What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
