Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
