my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
