My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Houston, we have a squirter
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
