thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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