I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
