Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
