I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
