I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
