I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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