i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
