Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
