Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
that may or may not have been my penis.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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