I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
