just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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