Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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