What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
