There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
