my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
