I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
