I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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