When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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