I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
