Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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