she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
