I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
