So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
