Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just high enough for therapy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
