he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
