Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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