Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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