Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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