dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
