So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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