He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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