I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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