i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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