a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
