I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Vodka?
Forever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My vagina just clenched in fear
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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