i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
