you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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