I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There r osticjed everywhere
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
