well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
