im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
