Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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