at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
