Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
