that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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