If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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