Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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