If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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