Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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