She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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