i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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