Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
