Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
