You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
