i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
