I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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