my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
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I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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