im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
