I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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